05 January 2006
soapbox
nothing like teeny-bopper movies that i watch when my sweetie is traveling to make me feel reflective. yes, the very same dandlioneyes who used to love dawson's creek and who can recite every line from dirty dancing (nobody puts baby in the corner!), yes, she decided to watch another teeny flic tonight -- the sisterhood of the traveling pants -- and now i am feeling reflective.
about what? certainly not the movie, though i'm a sucker for things like "shy bookish girl goes to greece and meets a strapping young fisher lad who saves her when she falls into the water and later professes her love for her." yes indeed, i watch that kind of mush. and love it.
in a weird way, i'm just happy to have a quiet evening alone tonight. don't get me wrong, given that i know very few people in seattle, about tomorrow morning at 10 i'll start feeling lonely, but this is nice. sappy movie, feeling a bit melancholy, a cat who follows me around (thank you, chester, you're swell!), and eating little dutch caramel waffles which came in a late holiday present... what more could one ask for on a rainy evening?
tomorrow i start taking clomid. after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, a massive rollercoaster of emotions and heartache (documented in my lovely private folder of this diary!), we're on to clomid. after seeing the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) yesterday, which was an amazing relief, after an ultrasound revealing that i have lovely healthy little follicles in both ovaries, we are moving onto the clomiphene citrate challenge test (CCCT), which stresses my body with drugs to see how it bounces back... basically a way to observe ovarian reserve and to what extent i have healthy eggs. hello, at 28 i'd like to think they are healthy, but i'm also glad to be trying something new. the doctor can help us get knocked up. i'm fine with that. we're not ready for any big intervention or any big medical stuff yet (though i've had several not so fun tests which involve contrastive dye), but it is just nice to know that someone who has spent his life studying fertility problems is going to help us, and seems very positive about our chances.
while i'm standing on this soapbox, i'd just like to make a quick argument for sensitivity... over the past 15 months MANY many people have asked us: so, kids next, huh? when do you want kids? don't you want to start trying? ... and i'd end up in coniptions by the end of the evening, heart broken. i'm just calling for sensitivity here... it is no one's business whether or not a woman wants to have children, and when she plans to do so. none whatsoever. she may, for all you know, have been trying for quite a long time with no luck, and the very question is painful to her. i had no idea that we'd run into infertility issues, but we have, and i think i'm a stronger person for it. but i've also learned that i'll never ever again inquire into a woman's decision about when, or if, she wants to have children....
that said, this is my soapbox and my diary, and since this is what i'm going through, i finally am at a point where i want to write openly about it and not hide it in a secret folder. for those of you who actually know me, i'd prefer not to talk about it, really, unless i bring it up -- it hasn't been fun, and it is even less fun to be asked, monthly,... so did it work this time? so mum's the word (and when i'm a mum the word will get out, believe you me)...
so, from the traveling pants i get to infertility, which concludes this evening's broadcast from rainy seattle. i've had my little dutch cookie treat, happily, drinking pero (caro kaffee for those of you in the know), and i'll even try and work for a bit now. i might watch another movie (something that actually won an oscar, with kate hepburn and spencer tracy, so something i don't need to be ashamed of!). or i might just get a good, restful night of sleep.
and that, m'dears, is that.
dandlioneyes at 9:25 pm