25 June 2006
-
so my parents aren't in touch post-divorce, and i am the lucky one who got to tell my dad that my mom is getting remarried. that was a barrel of fun. i guess i'm doomed not to be able to talk to either of my parents about the other one, because my mom clammed up when i asked her if i could tell my dad (though she said yes), and my dad wouldn't talk to me about the fact that she is getting remarried. though i expect that he and his girlfriend of just under a year will get married sooner than my mom and her beau. seriously. but still. this is all very, very odd for me.
yes, remarried. which was sprung on me. not a surprise, not that i had talked to her about this, but all of a sudden i get a call saying they'll have a civil ceremony in the next two weeks before i come out, and a party in november. and that we're invited to the party.
which is all great and lovely, and i'm trying to be happy for my mom, but it still is a blow. and to be honest, what is getting to me the most right now is all the eclipsing that is going on (not that i'm a selfish bitch, but i'm feeling a tad selfish these days): a month after my wedding they break up, and a month after my baby is due they have a party. my big life events are somehow inextricably linked to theirs (or, in this case, my mom's), and i can't say i'm loving this.
i'm an adult, i know, and this happens to so many kids and to adults, and at least i have both of my parents. but i have hated renegotiating my relationships with them, hated it, and am just not enjoying the realization that i have to deal with each of them on their own terms. i can't turn to my mom or my dad about the other anymore, and it isn't as if either of their partners are going to know where i'm coming from. i can't turn to them, i don't even have a relationship with them. that's the other thing, too, in visiting them. when i see my mom, i'm in a strange house with different furniture, and the only thing "home" about it is my mom -- and she wonders why it is odd for me. at my dad's, the ghosts of my mom haunt the place (at least it is familiar furniture and "stuff"), but his girlfriend wants them to move at some point (if they stay in the midwest at all), and then the furniture will change and it'll be her house and her everything, and where will any stability be for me then? not that it is my parents' responsibility to give me that stability, but i certainly get DE-stabilized in seeing them. plus, my dad's girlfriend is a neat-freak and girly-girl and watches her diet to a point where i feel like a pig when i eat and so on, and i'm not too excited about being a guest in that sort of house. i like food, i like to eat, and the neatest i am not. i guess what it amounts to is all of a sudden going from a feeling of home to a feeling of being a guest in my parents' respective houses (projecting into the future at least in terms of my dad).
the whole thing is weird, and to top it all off, i'll have a daughter and will want to and have to create some semblance of normalcy for her, in a situation which to me is everything BUT normal.
sigh.sigh.sigh.sigh.
i'm ok. at least i got sun today in seattle, it was downright balmy...
dandlioneyes at 7:26 pm