23 October 2002
sleep in the sun and angst and on and on
the clock on my dland thing is off. it isn't 2:57, nay nay, it is 3:09. not that it matters.
had a breakdown. overwhelmed with !@#$%^& grant apps.
a bit nervous. can i do it all? i like my project, but can i convince people of it? why don't i have decent contact with my professors? i used to think about how socially akward professors are, and we all are, grad students, absorbed in our own little corner of the world, library, research interests, so minimal and small. crazy stuff. it is beautiful out, and i feel tired. i feel very tired, the kind of tired you have after crying. letting steam off. can i do it? i hope so.
people have an odd confidence in me, that i haven't been able to mirror in myself, haven't been able to accept: oh yes, i'll do well, sure. uhm hmm. nod and smile. look at my CV and be proud of it. i can do that. i am proud of what i've done, but i don't think it is so spectacular and amazing, which is what some people tell me.
yeah, so that sounds bad, too: spoiled grad student gets compliments, pooh pooh, what a hard life. that's not what i am saying. i know i'm lucky in many ways. but the insecurity, god, that's gonna get me one day.
alright, folks, enough rambling. sitting here looking at the schuyllkil river, my cat on my desk curled up in alittle ball. wish i could trade places with him, and sleep in the sun.
dandlioneyes at 2:57 pm