19 November 2002
getting it out on paper. it helps. i love you.
i feel like a yo-yo. i don't like it. i know its not your fault, but it feels like i'm on a string. that's not fair, this is an initial reaction, a gut feeling not thinking at all sort of reaction.
but ugh, my goodness, i can't do this alone, i can't be alone, i can't do that anymore. never could, but somehow did it, and then we had out new plan of being together. which is working, great, and now this.
WHICH I UNDERSTAND. i know.
i can't plan january because of an elusive -probablynotgoingtohappen- interview, time i could come to california, but i can't plan. same deal. school.work.livelihood.employment somehow comes first.
but its our emotions that are left raw, on the yo-yo, up and down depending on rhyme or reason, presence or absence.
i had soup after we talked.
i do this, i get emotional, i need some warmth - soup, food, tempertantrum. something to get rid of the URRRRRRRRGH scream impulse of being upset.
gut reactions go away, though, i get this. we can figure out a new plan, one that doesn't involve a 12 hour layover.
we can figure out time, lots of it preferably, and it'll work. of course i want you here. thank you for your flexibility, actually, your attempts to make this better. something you couldn't have forseen.
the anger already is going away, and i have that calm resolved feeling, stiff upper lip, the only �ber-confidence that can and does get me through this.
maybe it's the soup. or the warmth of the computer.
but i'm calming down. weird, words now hold that frustration. but i know you felt and feel it too.
i love you more than anything. i can't wait to see you, regardless, and any time is special for me.
i also can't wait for the house. the kids. the real life. the being settled. the us.
do you?
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---?
we are.
i love you.
dandlioneyes at 10:36 pm