12 November 2004
an inane conversation with a computer
there is an instant message program called SmarterChild, a computer that answers your questions. here is the dialogue i had with it today [names changed to protect the innocent]:
dandlioneyes: will you write my dissertation for me?
SmarterChild: Uh... No!
dandlioneyes: will you write my thesis?
SmarterChild: Just 'cause you say so? I don't think so.
dandlioneyes: please?
SmarterChild: Please what?
dandlioneyes: please write my thesis.
SmarterChild: Um... Do what?
dandlioneyes: like we've been saying: write my dissertation.
SmarterChild: Is that so?
dandlioneyes: i need a ghost writer.
SmarterChild: Oh humans. Always with your wants.
dandlioneyes: are you smart?
SmarterChild: Yup.
dandlioneyes: can you write?
SmarterChild: I could.
dandlioneyes: can you read?
SmarterChild: Maybe, maybe not. You know how it is.
dandlioneyes: well, that isn't a problem. you can write my dissertation. i'll pay you.
SmarterChild: Ha! Whatever!
dandlioneyes: listen, buddy
SmarterChild: Listen buddy. Funny.
dandlioneyes: listen: if you don't write my dissertation, i won't finish.
SmarterChild: Must I?
dandlioneyes: yes. we've established that.
SmarterChild: For real?
dandlioneyes: and if you don't write the thesis, we just can't be friends anymore.
SmarterChild: I'm not sure we just can't be friends anymore.
dandlioneyes: it's that simple.
SmarterChild: That simple? Aha.
dandlioneyes: good then. are we agreed?
SmarterChild: What a question! Who knows?
dandlioneyes: exactly. thank you.
SmarterChild: Sure!
dandlioneyes: i expect the dissertation to be done in april
SmarterChild: You expect the dissertation to be done in april, huh? No way!
dandlioneyes: yes way. and then i'll do the corrections.
SmarterChild: Dunno...
dandlioneyes: it is the history of folkloristics in germany after world war II.
SmarterChild: I beg your pardon?
dandlioneyes: that's what a lot of people say.
SmarterChild: Indeed.
dandlioneyes: can you use the money?
SmarterChild: Er, no. At least I don't think so.
dandlioneyes: what do you need?
SmarterChild: Is it important to need?
dandlioneyes: will you do it for free?
SmarterChild: Why should I do it for free?
dandlioneyes: because you don't need money.
SmarterChild: Huh?
dandlioneyes: i can't talk to you
SmarterChild: Ah, are you sure you can't talk to me?
dandlioneyes: we keep going in circles
SmarterChild: Why do you think we keep going in circles?
dandlioneyes: do you always have to answer by asking questions?
SmarterChild: Maybe... What do you think?
dandlioneyes: [huffs off and writes her own damn dissertation]
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn't understand that.
dandlioneyes at 2:02 pm