20 February 2005
being a teenager
for some bizarre reason, i recently have been feeling like a teenager --- at least where my relationship with my parents is concerned. that, and i went to a mall and went shopping with a friend today, and we giggled about things and she told me about the guy she had a crush on, and that was, well, very high-school. and amazingly fun.
the bigger thing is my lack of relationship --- or so it feels --- with my parents. i get nervous before i talk to my dad, because i have nothing to say to him. it's like we get bored talking. he is lost in his own world of grief and work and angst, and can only talk about my work (or so it seems), which, of course, is the one thing i don't want to talk about. with my mom, we have 3-4 safe topics of conversations, and i get so bored and annoyed with those calls, too. we can talk about weather, the various cats in our lives, about work (sort of), about plans (dinner plans, usually). and that ends up being about it. default conversation topic with both parental units is actually my hubby and his job search, because that seems to be the most exciting thing going on in our lives right now. true, but that makes me feel even more like the dependent spouse sometimes.
it's weird. maybe this isn't quite like my teenage years, where i just would have yelling matches with them. my early twenties were excellent, but this is a definite slump. i think i have a lot of pent up anger making it impossible to talk. i can't voice the anger, (though i know about it, and probably it is having an affect on me somehow), and so the conversations just drag. at least i could voice my anger in high school, you know?
regardless, i'm not happy with the situation. one ounce. and not sure what to do about it. i could go back to therapy (was in therapy in germany) - but i don't think i want to do that. i didn't like it then, i don't think i'd like it now. i'm in touch with my feelings, i just feel like i lack the solutions.
the nice conversation i had with my buddy (who is going to law school at berkeley) today revolved around liking our age. it is a good age to be at - independent, content with a calm and somewhat domestic life. we both like it. we both also want to look cute, and that's where her shopping trip kicked in. MAN that woman knows how to shop. true, she is dating someone new, so that explains various frilly pink things, but it was just oodles of fun.
it is grey and rainy, and for the first time in months i think i might jog. i may be back in 10 minutes, but every bit counts, and i need to get rid of excess energy. or, rather, nervous energy.
happy sunday evening!
dandlioneyes at 4:17 pm