13 March 2005
the future
i recently have been lying in bed thinking about all the diary entries i could right. before falling asleep, or on waking up. i think about writing little entries on each of my close friends (not, of course, divulging their identities, but rather highlighting their strenghts and why i love them). i've thought about writing about several of the trips i've taken that i've loved, countries that have somehow meant a lot to me. i've thought about writing and describing rooms that i've stayed in, and how i made them my own during the times i lived in them, what distinguished them from one another, and how i was different when i lived in one vs. another room, place, apartment, dorm...
and then, at times like this, i feel sick as a dog. i've been sick as a dog for days, and have itchy eyes right now. i don't want to be doing anything. i want to be lying in bed and hiding. things like that. i want to have security about the future. i want people to stop telling me what they would prefer for our future, because i don't feel capable of saying "we'll end up staying in the bay area". we just don't know, we just have no idea, and i hate being put under such pressure. i want to stop having lousy phonecalls with family members.
so many things, so little time, and i feel like things are running away from me. i feel like i've given up on worrying about the future, because, you know, what difference does it make if i worry in advance about what is going to happen? i can't fret about it right now, i don't have the energy. BUT by not fretting about it, i also feel like i've let myself slip; it makes me feel as if i am losing a fair amount of control over what i will end up doing. it makes me feel like - well, am i selling myself short? not having career plans and aspirations right now? relying on the job my hubby is sure to get at some university or research lab?
ack. yes, writing it that way, i do feel as if i am selling myself short. i guess we'll just have to see what happens. i don't know how to grab back my motivation, my work ethic, my aspirations, from the little puddle that they are slowly submerging into. quick sand is more like it.
*blah*
later gaters!
dandlioneyes at 3:22 pm