03 August 2005
arrival: dark clouds
even though we are up in seattle, i'm not so super settled in, down, whatever. i've had a bad day. my cousin has been hospitalized for being psychotic -- he is manic depressive (bipolar), and always has bad bouts. but these last ones have been profoundly disturbing to me, to others, and it is lucky physical harm came to anyone. it certainly has entailed emotional trauma, and it all happened just days after we left california. and there were signs, and i feel like we didn't listen to them enough. the whole thing is just awful. regardless, the whole thing feels like a bad horror movie to me, and it has given me a perma-headache. and a perma-feeling of being creeped out.
enough about that. i don't want to think about that, either, or about the waiting dissertation, or about the fact that our temporary housing, though just blocks from pike's place market, is a dark building with not enough light. (it does have three gyms, however, one with a climbing wall. crazy stuff, that!)... somehow, the arriving in seattle and actually being here has been totally dampened by the stupid hospitalization thing. i wish things were different.
i wish i could just dump the dissertation and not do it. i wish i could just be strong enough to finish it. i wish i could just have some closure on the whole thing.
i think being in limbo doesn't help. i wish we were in our house. we got a roof estimate on it today, cheaper than we expected -- but it will take a few weeks until that gets settled. so i just wish that things would get a-rolling.
sorry so grumpy. this city is amazing, but i hate being in limbo....
dandlioneyes at 8:03 pm