11 January 2002
an entry way to long for what i actually say
late. though not really. i need to go to bed though. that feeling of wanting to hide? that's me right now.
i've been hiding from my academia fears for my ridiculously (e.g. too long, which sounds crazy) long vacation. and don't know how to face them.
i'm so not a quitter. i just am not finding meaning in academia: meaning i can plod on (though my dad says, rightly so, if all i do is aspire to muddle through, that's all i'll do, muddle) and get the ph.d. i know i'm capable of that. but if there is no light at the end of the tunnel (since i'm 75% sure i don't want an academic job and i have NO clue what else is out there)... then what. then i've worked hard, not necessarily enjoying it, only sometimes, feeling a bit like a faker, and then what. so it's rough. i need to think about all of this, face it, one "besenstrich" at a time a la beppo strassenkehrer (momo by michael ende, good book).
so that's me in a nutshell right now. i guess, pretty much scared, but i'll work through it. emre and i are going to volunteer as a way (at least for me), to feel like there is more meaning in life. that's the problem with humanities academia: it's all a bunch of ivory tower bs that doesn't help anybody, really. a lot of professors just like to hear themselves talk. a lot of folklore is so damn important to people (to the people who live it not those who live OFF of it)... and academics can do nothing but classify, categorize, interpret for the unknowing peasants (obvious sarcasm here)...
ok. that's enough of that. reading ralph ellison's invisible man. back to that.
night all, sweet dreams!
dandlioneyes at 10:39 pm