19 May 2002
ach mensch
i feel not only fragile but scared.
i keep on muttering ach mensch under my breath, something my dad started doing about 10 years ago when he gets nervous, something my opi did, too.
and i'm picking it up at the age of 24? ach mensch. not good.
it is sort of this pseudo-panic attack feeling, one i haven't had in a while, which i had in philly where i couldn't even breathe and would cry. not good. breathlessness is bad. feeling lightheaded is bad. so i breathe. and say ach mensch in rapid succession.
why is it that figuring out what to do is so hard? i'm getting a phd. am burned out beyond belief, as all my e-mails of procrastination probably indicate. show. highlight. whatever.
that diss proposal (made up diss proposal, will never ever do that dissertation, ah well), well i got an a on it, but reading criticism was difficult.
yeah.
plus i'm tired. and what i do doesn't matter, or so it feels like.
academia=mental masturbation. i've said it once, i'll say it again. i mean, really.
i'm setting myself a new goal. lots of work this summer, not even funny how much work... including writing the finland paper, finishing a translation, usw. etc. osv. falan falan.
but i want to start working on a fiction book. maybe for children. i like writing. it'll be good for me.
why oh why, though, is this all so damn hard?!
dandlioneyes at 12:18 am