01 March 2004
not a happy camper....
this plagued with doubt thing has to stop. i had an excellent diss topic. i got overwhelmed. i started seeing all sorts of problems in it, that i didn't feel li could weather. i discuss with my advisor that i need to change the topic. she agrees to the change, and is positive about it. i tell my committee (which, incidentally, i don't have) (and i don't tell my dad, afraid of the criticism), and the committe, well, they are happy with it. i email some people about attending a professional conference in november, and now, WHAM, i get the response: god, your new topic, eh, not so strong (which is what my dad hinted at when i hinted at thinking of changing) - coincidence? probably not, the guy i emailed and my dad are both historians of profession. the guy i emailed looooved my old topic. which now leaves me feeling like a dingbat, an imposter, etc. etc. etc. it makes me feel like the b&b on hawaii is viable. it makes me feel like saying: screw it, this is my life, WHY THE F*CK DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK? but i do. i am like a sponge, sucking up approval, and afraid of being rejected. god this sucks. i want a job. i want a family. i want stability, i DO NOT, i repeat, I DO NOT want this #$%^&*(*%$#$%^&%*( insecurity. i want to pig out on bad food now. this @#$%^&*()(*&^%^$%^%&*(* sucks. this guy, whose book i admire, basically said as much as to switch back to the old topic. so now: i'm going to shower. and drink water. try not to binge. la-di-da-how-loverly. i have therapy tomorrow. last session. and i SO don't want to go. bottom line: i am NOT a happy camper tonight.
later gaters.
dandlioneyes at 10:52 pm