14 March 2004
confidence and so one
i realize that i deal with things by doling out blame. things go bad - can't be my fault, must be someone else's fault. which is frustrating. i can't owe up to mistakes and my own faults.
for example: i literally worked my ass off to lose weight for the wedding. i did a good job, fit in the dress, was happy. then i head to old europe and put on 10 lbs over the course of 6 months. instead of admitting to myself that, gee, i don't know, i eat cheese with 60% fat contents and chocolate and gummy candy and have midnight snacks besides breakfast, lunch and dinner, that basically i love food and have gluttenous tendencies, i say: damn the weather, it is too dark so i can't work out and therefore it is germany's fault that i am out of shape. why the %^&^* does it have to be so far north? or: damn going off of the pill. of course that is going to make me gain weight. or: damn those tempting cafes. they shouldn't be luring me.
pretty awful. i know we live in a society that almost completely judges by the physical, even if we don't always admit it. ok, not totally true. what we do, our intelligence, and, unfortunately, in some spheres, what our last name is, makes a difference. (so glad i'm not a legacy kid....) and i know i suffer from low self confidence depending on the issue: especially with looks. with academics, i've had good success, and sometimes i think it is because people have somehow misjudged me and think higher of me than they should, but sometimes i do exude an �ber-confidence. but with looks...: i was a geek in highschool. glasses and braces, and a bit chubby, what more can you want? people were pretty awful, but then again, as saucy99 and eggsaucted can attest to, that was our school and our grade in particular. anyways, i always blamed, somehow, internally, my lack of friends to my glasses, braces, and chubbyness. and yes, i was a little socially akward, in a geeky sort of adorable way. i love teens like that now, not the cocky and obnoxious ones who made my life hell and who live off of putting others down, but those teens who have a strong sense of self but just don't quite know how to make the transition from child to adult....
anyways, this is quite a long ramble. long story short: i've always had hangups about looks. i'm so happy my husband thinks i'm attractive, and honestly, he makes me feel like a goddess when he tells me how attractive i am, etc. which is amazing. at the same time, i know i have to have a certain confidence from myself, which right now i don't have.
long story short: i shouldn't blame europe or the pill, but need to take some responsibility here. i ate because i had a hell of a hard fall (lonelyness, alone in a country i haven't lived in since i was 12, issues on the home front, going off of the pill, dissertation anxiety), and i suppose that is ok. i suppose i need to be ok with that. and realize that i have a hell of a lot of good qualities that (to be not humble at all...) make me into a great great person, 10 lbs heavier or not. (in other words: GO ME!)
put that in your pipe and smoke it, glamour and cosmopolitan magazines!
in old age, i want to be an old lady with stunningly silver hair who is healthy and wears bright colors and hats. i think i will be doing the hat thing.
dandlioneyes at 12:01 pm