08 November 2004
what'll i be when i grow up?
the only non-groundhog-day aspect of today [see previous entry] is the upcoming dessert. i made pear-pecan bread the other day, which i am now heating up in the toaster oven. it shall be eaten with a generous helping of vanilla ice-cream. indeed. and a half pear, sliced on top. yummers.
otherwise, work is slow. i read the intro to a book, and skimmed some chapters (about the humanities in germany during national socialism), and i think it'll provide me with about a paragraph worth of writing. so that's something. now that paragraph still needs to be written, but hey. better something than nothing, right?
how are things going to work out? i have no idea. i think about the future all the time. where will we move to come next summer? where will my sweetie find a job, and will i find something there? will the cadillac of post-docs (where the diss doesn't even have to be DONE) come through for me? do i want it to? here's the prob: i don't know what i want my future to look at. after years of crap at my graduate school and in my graduate school program, i'm burned out. entirely. i can imagine vegging for a year. raising a family. growing veggies in a garden. and the second i let myself have those thoughts, i panic. get nervous. feel as if i would be judged by others for wanting something like that, at least for a while. feel as if i was, somehow, letting myself down. from what? academia? i don't know, i don't even know if that makes sense, especially since i don't know if i want to *stick* with it in the first place.
here's the thing. i feel so damn unpassionate about things, at least recently. i'm passionate about reading, but not reading my academic books. somewhere, at heart, i'd like to think i'm passionate about making a difference. but academia doesn't seem to me to be the place to do that. i don't know. i guess i should just be grateful that i have all the opportunites that i have, and have faith in the fact that i will be able to find a niche for myself. that i am lucky to have the time to find that niche. *sighs* i wish it were easier, and i knew what i was going to be when i grow up.
dandlioneyes at 7:56 pm