01 December 2004
a.n.g.s.t.
wednesday evening, *yawns* and i'm already tired. funny, though i hardly did anything today, i'm tired. we did do our 6 mile roundtrip bike trip to los altos, which is always fun. stopped and had coffee, chatted witha dutch/german guy and his two kids (both of whom were humming the theme to star wars, including the little two year old - very cute), and then biked back.
had a minor (ok, fine, major) meltdown earlier about feeling and being disappointed in myself. about not applying myself enough, about not working hard enough, and about feeling guilty about it. *not fun at all*. in part perhaps the fact that my hubby passed his orals and did it (from my perspective) so damn well had something to do with it. sort of a "like when's my turn" - but then again, my turn comes when the diss is written. and it scares the crap out of me, in fact, the defense, because i feel like one big imposter.
i'm coming more and more to the "i don't want academia" realization, but maybe that's just a cop-out? sometimes i don't know. because there are some things with academia that i'm actually decent at...okay, fine, things i'm pretty damn good at.
the anxiety is just awful. i'm bored, and i'm feeling guilty about that. i'm content right now with a rather boring life of cooking and some gardening and playing with the stray cats, and reading novels. a totally slow, luxurious life. and totally liking it. and then feeling guilty about THAT, because i can only HAVE that because i could be supported by my hubby for a while if needs be. and i was raised under the belief that i need to support myself - and so far i have.... and next year, if i don't get the post-doc (for which the dissertation doesn't even have to be done), then i will be supported by my husband. again, i'm super grateful, and i know i'd do the same without a blink if he needed me to. then why do i have such hangups about it? hmm, why? tell me that. i guess my hang up is less about being supported by my sweetie than the idea that i actually don't mind it so much - and maybe it is that idea that scares me, because it flies in the face of any rudimentary feminism 101 that i was born and raised into. that may be part of it.
enough rambling. enough angst.
later gaters.
dandlioneyes at 7:01 pm