20 April 2005
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i am decidedly a wimp. always so nice to see my advisor, and yet i cannot stomach a real conversation. i have a chance tomorrow, but what am i supposed to say: hey, ho, academia isn't my thing right now? she was understanding about the small amnt of work i was doing, but also said perhaps i could work a bit quicker. all in all, i now have a stomach ache and feel dumb, not brave, etc. etc. sort of stupid. am quite frustrated, actually. here is someone who i admire, and i feel like a dumb idiot.
damnit. i wish i had that crystal ball and the confidence about the future, to know where i will end up, academia or not.
this beating myself up isn't worth it, i know it. my advisor is kind and understanding, and it is all within myself that i am having these doubts and problems. i need to find the internal motivation to get work done, need to find it inside of myself to just plow through this. i have the trip to hawaii coming up, and then i guess i just have to power through the dissertation. bit by bit, but i have to get through it! motivation: finish it. motivation: not to feel like crap about it anymore.
seriously, i wish i was back in CA, or had my apartment here, or that my hubby was here with me. it is lonely in the youth hostel, and though time is flying, i AM lonely, i AM stressed, and i need to get a grip on myself in terms of the amnt. of work i am getting done. how to get out of the funk? theatre will help (going to a play tonight, albeit alone), and it will also be nice to see a friend for dinner. ACK. and then lunch with my advisor again.
this is amazingly incoherent, i am aware of that. problem is, i know the source of my anxiety (thesis, and finishing it, and the big void beyond), but i have no idea how to address the anxiety. i have no idea what to do about it. YES, write the damn thing, but i am really stymied. i think if i was at home right now i would take a hot bath and have a good cry. sounds silly, but true.
but i am in goettingen! my old town! no time for tears, no time for this "$%/&()/ illness, i need to get going. a nice dinner awaits, then a nice play, and a good night's rest. i then am going to take pictures in the AM of where WEP lived, the guy i am writing my diss on.
i can get through this!
dandlioneyes at 5:28 pm